Vulnerability hangover

Do you remember this post? Then do you remember Brene Brown, who is now apparently called Vulnerability TED? Well, in march she stepped onto the TED stage once more to share her life after the first talk and more about her research. 

I honestly can't remember the last time I felt so vulnerable as I do now in this particular phase in my life. 

As Brene said in her talk that we often perceive vulnerability as weakness. So did I. Practically since the beginning of my teenage years. I was very much a people-person before that. And at some point I let people around me get to me. People that actually should have meant close to nothing to me. But back then I didn't know how to make a difference between the important people and less. I needed people around me. I took them all equal as the naive little girl I was. But learning how to separate people is a part of growing up and it seemed like I didn't want to let go of my childhood habits. I wanted to get along with everyone and without having based my relationships on judgments like it usually is between kids. Or it was when I was growing up. 

And so while I was looking at the world with blue eyes my mates grew up. 

Then suddenly everything was circling around judgments. One one's physical appearance, home, thoughts, creations, etc. And this change hit me so hard, because I wasn't like that at all. 

Expressing feelings and expecting the same from others got a setback. It wasn't no longer "cool" and so no one was like that. 

Whatever one says, you still need and search for approval, especially in the teenage years, because your agemates now seem like the most important people in your life.

And so as a result of those 3 impulses- the setbacks in needing connection, the negative comments towards me from others and the somewhat need to fit in to stop feeling different- I closed myself and learned to live more in the inside. In my own existence. In my own mind. In my own world. Well, when you can't beat em and you can't join em, detach yourself from em. And I did and it felt safe and secure. 

Year after year I built the wall around me more and more thick. And I buried my personal thoughts inside. As good as it felt at times, it was hell as well.
And I also buried my shame. Shame that came from actually needing people and shame from being different. Back then and even now at times I can't put my finger on what actually was different about me. It was something I felt without a certain reason, which made me confused even more. 

My teenage years passed and I came across people, with whom I found a similar language and we had lovely deep discussions, but somehow I still found it difficult to open myself up to them fully and unconditionally. I was behind the door of vulnerability and I couldn't walk in. The shame I felt for myself was still haunting me.
Coming back to perceiving vulnerability as weakness. I decided early that I'm never going to be less than strong. "I can take care of myself. I don't need people around me for emotional support. I can do this. I'm strong." blablabla. I pushed myself to the extreme with this one. And I was so wrong. 

February 18th changed it. I met up with and old friend.

My dear, if you are reading this, I can't describe in words how much you've done for me with just forcing some of my deepest feelings that have been bothering me for years and that no one knew I had out into the sunlight. Well, maybe it would be more appropriate to say out into the moonlight as it was night. Oh never mind. 

It's not like it's "Here I am, world. Totally bare in front of you!". No. But I'm trying to get used to the life behind the vulnerability door. Of course, sometimes I feel the need to leave the door a bit open behind me. Sometimes I regret saying something very personal and if I only could I would take it back and I leave that room in a hurry and shut the door. The same thing with shame. Hey, we all have good days and we all have bad days. But this time I won't close the door for good.

I wanted to write something to accompany the video. I didn't expect this to happen. 
I remember a post I made about writing letters to the past and the future you (or me).
And that for me was so peculiar, because I would have never expected to be so open and honest. To me it was too much. But as I started this blog to share my thoughts also, then one would think that it was something accurate to do then. And this post also. 
I wanted to share my story behind what Brene was saying in these two talks and to prove that it's ok to share your soft spots, to need people, to be who you are and it's ok bare some flesh to the world. Note: not implying the actual flesh here people. Are you still following me? But more like sharing your soul as it sometimes can be the most gratifying thing one can imagine.