Friday, April 27, 2012

The story behind "A surprise visitor"

My dear friend and fellow blogger Eve at Stop everything you are doing and be AWESOME thought it would be fun to participate in the making of each other's blogs.
As guest bloggers.
Today is her birthday and I wanted to meet my obligations on this very day.
So if you're interested you can check out her blog to see what I wrote.
Or you can click on the image below. Shortcut!


Saturday, April 14, 2012

What inspires me right now?

Do you know the feeling, when you should be working, but you can do everything besides that?
This is one of those examples right here.

Man Ray photography

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
`’Tis some visitor,’ I muttered, `tapping at my chamber door -
Only this, and nothing more.’


Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December,
And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.
Eagerly I wished the morrow; – vainly I had sought to borrow
From my books surcease of sorrow – sorrow for the lost Lenore -
For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels named Lenore -
Nameless here for evermore.



And the silken sad uncertain rustling of each purple curtain
Thrilled me – filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;
So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating
`’Tis some visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door -
Some late visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door; -
This it is, and nothing more,’


Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
`Sir,’ said I, `or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;
But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping,
And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door,
That I scarce was sure I heard you’ – here I opened wide the door; -
Darkness there, and nothing more.



Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before;
But the silence was unbroken, and the darkness gave no token,
And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, `Lenore!’
This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word, `Lenore!’
Merely this and nothing more.


Back into the chamber turning, all my soul within me burning,
Soon again I heard a tapping somewhat louder than before.
`Surely,’ said I, `surely that is something at my window lattice;
Let me see then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore -
Let my heart be still a moment and this mystery explore; -
‘Tis the wind and nothing more!’



Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter,
In there stepped a stately raven of the saintly days of yore.
Not the least obeisance made he; not a minute stopped or stayed he;
But, with mien of lord or lady, perched above my chamber door -
Perched upon a bust of Pallas just above my chamber door -
Perched, and sat, and nothing more.


Then this ebony bird beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance it wore,
`Though thy crest be shorn and shaven, thou,’ I said, `art sure no craven.
Ghastly grim and ancient raven wandering from the nightly shore -
Tell me what thy lordly name is on the Night’s Plutonian shore!’
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.’



Much I marvelled this ungainly fowl to hear discourse so plainly,
Though its answer little meaning – little relevancy bore;
For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being
Ever yet was blessed with seeing bird above his chamber door -
Bird or beast above the sculptured bust above his chamber door,
With such name as `Nevermore.’


Film noire stills
Rain and fog 
And for no reason dramatic standing scenes, right?



But the raven, sitting lonely on the placid bust, spoke only,
That one word, as if his soul in that one word he did outpour.
Nothing further then he uttered – not a feather then he fluttered -
Till I scarcely more than muttered `Other friends have flown before -
On the morrow he will leave me, as my hopes have flown before.’
Then the bird said, `Nevermore.’


Startled at the stillness broken by reply so aptly spoken,
`Doubtless,’ said I, `what it utters is its only stock and store,
Caught from some unhappy master whom unmerciful disaster
Followed fast and followed faster till his songs one burden bore -
Till the dirges of his hope that melancholy burden bore
Of “Never-nevermore.”‘


But the raven still beguiling all my sad soul into smiling,
Straight I wheeled a cushioned seat in front of bird and bust and door;
Then, upon the velvet sinking, I betook myself to linking
Fancy unto fancy, thinking what this ominous bird of yore -
What this grim, ungainly, ghastly, gaunt, and ominous bird of yore
Meant in croaking `Nevermore.’


This I sat engaged in guessing, but no syllable expressing
To the fowl whose fiery eyes now burned into my bosom’s core;
This and more I sat divining, with my head at ease reclining
On the cushion’s velvet lining that the lamp-light gloated o’er,
But whose velvet violet lining with the lamp-light gloating o’er,
She shall press, ah, nevermore!


Then, methought, the air grew denser, perfumed from an unseen censer
Swung by Seraphim whose foot-falls tinkled on the tufted floor.
`Wretch,’ I cried, `thy God hath lent thee – by these angels he has sent thee
Respite – respite and nepenthe from thy memories of Lenore!
Quaff, oh quaff this kind nepenthe, and forget this lost Lenore!’
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.’


Prophet!’ said I, `thing of evil! – prophet still, if bird or devil! -
Whether tempter sent, or whether tempest tossed thee here ashore,
Desolate yet all undaunted, on this desert land enchanted -
On this home by horror haunted – tell me truly, I implore -
Is there - is there balm in Gilead? – tell me – tell me, I implore!’
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.’


`Prophet!’ said I, `thing of evil! – prophet still, if bird or devil!
By that Heaven that bends above us – by that God we both adore -
Tell this soul with sorrow laden if, within the distant Aidenn,
It shall clasp a sainted maiden whom the angels named Lenore -
Clasp a rare and radiant maiden, whom the angels named Lenore?’
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.’


`Be that word our sign of parting, bird or fiend!’ I shrieked upstarting -
`Get thee back into the tempest and the Night’s Plutonian shore!
Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken!
Leave my loneliness unbroken! – quit the bust above my door!
Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!’
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.’



And the raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door;
And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon’s that is dreaming,
And the lamp-light o’er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor;
And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor
Shall be lifted – nevermore!


Poem "The raven" by Edgar Allan Poe

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Vulnerability hangover

Do you remember this post? Then do you remember Brene Brown, who is now apparently called Vulnerability TED? Well, in march she stepped onto the TED stage once more to share her life after the first talk and more about her research. 


I honestly can't remember the last time I felt so vulnerable as I do now in this particular phase in my life. 
As Brene said in her talk that we often perceive vulnerability as weakness. So did I. Practically since the beginning of my teenage years. I was very much a people-person before that. And at some point I let people around me get to me. People that actually should have meant close to nothing to me. But back then I didn't know how to make a difference between the important people and less. I needed people around me. I took them all equal as the naive little girl I was. But learning how to separate people is a part of growing up and it seemed like I didn't want to let go of my childhood habits. I wanted to get along with everyone and without having based my relationships on judgments like it usually is between kids. Or it was when I was growing up. 
And so while I was looking at the world with blue eyes my mates grew up. 
Then suddenly everything was circling around judgments. One one's physical appearance, home, thoughts, creations, etc. And this change hit me so hard, because I wasn't like that at all. 
Expressing feelings and expecting the same from others got a setback. It wasn't no longer "cool" and so no one was like that. 
Whatever one says, you still need and search for approval, especially in the teenage years, because your agemates now seem like the most important people in your life.
And so as a result of those 3 impulses- the setbacks in needing connection, the negative comments towards me from others and the somewhat need to fit in to stop feeling different- I closed myself and learned to live more in the inside. In my own existence. In my own mind. In my own world. Well, when you can't beat em and you can't join em, detach yourself from em. And I did and it felt safe and secure. 
Year after year I built the wall around me more and more thick. And I buried my personal thoughts inside. As good as it felt at times, it was hell as well.
And I also buried my shame. Shame that came from actually needing people and shame from being different. Back then and even now at times I can't put my finger on what actually was different about me. It was something I felt without a certain reason, which made me confused even more. 
My teenage years passed and I came across people, with whom I found a similar language and we had lovely deep discussions, but somehow I still found it difficult to open myself up to them fully and unconditionally. I was behind the door of vulnerability and I couldn't walk in. The shame I felt for myself was still haunting me.
Coming back to perceiving vulnerability as weakness. I decided early that I'm never going to be less than strong. "I can take care of myself. I don't need people around me for emotional support. I can do this. I'm strong." blablabla. I pushed myself to the extreme with this one. And I was so wrong. 
February 18th changed it. I met up with and old friend.
My dear, if you are reading this, I can't describe in words how much you've done for me with just forcing some of my deepest feelings that have been bothering me for years and that no one knew I had out into the sunlight. Well, maybe it would be more appropriate to say out into the moonlight as it was night. Oh never mind. 
It's not like it's "Here I am, world. Totally bare in front of you!". No. But I'm trying to get used to the life behind the vulnerability door. Of course, sometimes I feel the need to leave the door a bit open behind me. Sometimes I regret saying something very personal and if I only could I would take it back and I leave that room in a hurry and shut the door. The same thing with shame. Hey, we all have good days and we all have bad days. But this time I won't close the door for good.

I wanted to write something to accompany the video. I didn't expect this to happen. 
I remember a post I made about writing letters to the past and the future you (or me).
And that for me was so peculiar, because I would have never expected to be so open and honest. To me it was too much. But as I started this blog to share my thoughts also, then one would think that it was something accurate to do then. And this post also. 
I wanted to share my story behind what Brene was saying in these two talks and to prove that it's ok to share your soft spots, to need people, to be who you are and it's ok bare some flesh to the world. Note: not implying the actual flesh here people. Are you still following me? But more like sharing your soul as it sometimes can be the most gratifying thing one can imagine.