Take a peek inside her closet

I've known this girl since the first grade. But to be precise we've been close for 4 years for now. And during that time I have yet to succeed in finding a person who would resemble her. So in short, she puts the "u" in unique. This can be taken as a positive compliment or just a remark that, damn girl, you're completely nuts (see picture 2).

When it comes to dressing-up, honestly, I've always admired her choices. Her style seems bold, effortless and unpolished, but she always stays true to her soul sisters. In the meaning that she praises what her mamma gave her, but in the most classy way without going vulgar. Her choices seem right and it's just such a joy to rest your eye on her. Nonono, don't get me wrong here. With all the madness, style copycats, vulgarity, gray and beige on the streets it's good to know that there are people with an independent mind, values, ideals and a beautiful soul. And that comes out in her personal style.

I think the one thing worth mentioning here what I've learnt from her (among the many other things) is to stay true to your choices and never doubt your inner voice. 

And so if this introduction made you wonder "Who's that girl?" then continue reading.  

We shot these pictures in her lovely home... in the middle of an industrial estate. Well, pretty much an area, where you wouldn't think a person might or could live. She once told me a story about a cab ride home late at night. When the taxi driver arrived at the address she told him he was left confused. He didn't quite understand what a young woman was up to in that neighborhood and so he asked if she was the night guard there or something. Sadly, she said "no". 

So, the brick walls and steel stairs in the background are not something we searched purposely to give the photos an "artistic" concept but something that is a part of her life here, in Tallinn. 

Short curriculum vitae

I'm Heleri. Status: The biggest love of Jane's life (Note from Jane: "I don't confirm"). I've learnt to play the piano, but only as a hobby. At the moment it's come to a standstill since I've moved to another city to study. I have always been interested in medicine and somehow have found a way towards laboratory medicine. Currently studying to be a bioanalyst. As Jane likes to often point out in my case, I'm a family oriented person. My biggest goals in life and expectations are connected to family and children. Maybe it's because I've grown up in a big unified family. Always the most interesting fact of the story of my life: my grandmother has 11 children, 26 grandchildren, 9 great-grandchildren.

Personal style

Once Jane asked me that it would be interesting to know what kind of a parent I would be. I said that depending on the situation I would be either a "real pal" parent or a really strict one, basically two extremes, not so much in between. I think that my items in my closet are like that: parts really classical and sometimes even boring, others quite bold choices. To bring up a one concrete characteristic is difficult...

Inspiration/Influences

Anyway, not the current trends and recommendations from women's magazines or sites. When dressing up I listen to my heart's voice, everything depends on my mood (and weather) :D

I really like the idea of how women wear beautiful dresses for day to day. This vision has certainly been inspired by American movies, right now "The Stepford Wives" and "The Help" come to mind. My ideal would be: a housewife in a well.fitted dress that makes her sexy :) Therefore, I have now collected...24 dresses and I think I'm going to add to it throughout the future. 

Favorite shopping places 

My best finds are from small-town thriftstores (I myself am surprised by that, unexpected fact). From the Estonian stores I could bring up the shoe and accessories store Charles&Keith. Their merchandise is for me very desirable, but sometimes a bit expensive.

Key items

Jeans, black blazer, black tights, one-colored tops

Latest purchase

Swimwear

Oldest item

By age, the oldest item is a yellow Minnie Mouse T-shirt, which belonged to my grandma. The reason why I kept it is emotional, because I grew up without a father then my grandma was helpful for my mom. In addition to the memories, I also have this shirt to remind me of her. 

From my own items the oldest ones are my Le Coq winter boots. They've served me for 5 year already, I suppose. In fact they're already totally worn out, but they have become really dear to me and I would like new ones but exactly the same (is it possible that they're going to produce models from 5 years ago again??)

A lovely memory behind an item

I thought about this question the longest, because I tried to find something from my closet that would have a long and interesting enough background story. I took a quick glance at my dresses and each time remembered a different event: family summer vacation, graduation, wedding (where I was the bridesmaid), discos, New Year's eve, Valentine's day ball...

Favorite season

Summer and my dress's paradise has always been a good match

5 things you can't live without

Humor (something you can't understand, Jane)

(Note from Jane: "I confirm")

Hairbrush and hair-clips :D

Memories (i.e without which I wouldn't like to live)

I can't decide whether the last one should be a blanket or a pillow :D (Note from Jane: a little recommendation: a blanket can work as a pillow and a cover at the same time. Booyah)

If you would be an item of clothing on a celebrity

Clean-cut one-colored dress that slightly hugs your body- you can wear it infinite times, but every time it makes you feel like you're the most charming woman in the world. For the woman in the dress I would suggest Blair Waldorf 's character in Gossip Girl (played by Leighton Meester)

Your tips for dressing-up

Be always prepared for weather changes... Maybe it's only necessary in Estonia, especially during Spring and Autumn, when the mornings are chilly and the nights warm or vice versa, or the sun and rain vary during the day several times (pesky). 

High (and I mean high-high) heels are not worth the torture! Above all, listen to your body and mind, then you'll always feel great!  

TEDxTartu - Mari Pokinen - Valikud

Behind beautiful music lies a beautiful soul.

The Girl with the Popped Green Balloon

Sometimes I feel I need them more than they need me.

Sometimes I wonder if they think of me as much as I think of them.

Sometimes I feel like The Girl with the Popped Green Balloon.

That sometimes is now. 

Illustration by yours truly's shaky hand. 

When things are not just "things"

Remember what I wrote here.

"So during this Big Spring Cleaning join me and open your closet doors with the most critical look and a cool head. I don't know about you, but when I flick through my wardrobe and it's seriously not inspiring me to get dressed then I feel a bit unhappy. So, pack away the things for winter, sort out the pieces that leave you questioning why it's in your closet or don't fit you no more and take them to your local Recycling Center. And now you've made room for your spring favorites." 

I love quoting myself.

So I did what I suggested. I accepted the challenge and I tackled my closet "with the most critical look and a cool head". 

Well, it started like that. I knew what was a keeper and what not based on how much I've actually worn them. But when it came to actually saying goodbye to them, my critical look and my cool head were nowhere to be found. All that was left was a big softy standing in front of her closet caressing the clothes with a thick nostalgic bubble over her head. "Pretty pathetic" you may think.

Clothes are not just "clothes" for me. They are moments. They are emotions. They are people. 

Every time I wear a piece it brings me back to the times when I was wearing it before. It can remind me of the special people I was with. Or the memorable moments in my life. 

Certain items are a sentimental memorabilia. They are the fragments of your past.

Maybe it's your wedding dress. The suit you graduated in. An adorable dress from your earliest childhood that your mother didn't have the heart to give away. Your first pair of high heels. Or that pair of underwear that brought you luck every time you wore them no matter how ridiculous everyone else said the idea was. That silly T-shirt you bought from the most awesome trip of your life. The fox fur neckpiece that once belonged to your grandmother. The jacket you threw over your partner's shoulders during your first date on that chilly night. Gosh, this is getting too lovey-dovey. You get the point. 

Clothes now not only serve for their first and foremost purpose- to keep warm. Other functions have risen to become as important or even more. 

Saying goodbye to some of my items was hard. What finally helped me to accomplish my mission was the thought of sharing them. I had some good times with those old folks, but what good does it do when they are simply hanging in my closet and bringing me joy for a moment or two when I open those doors and spot them. Especially if they are in an excellent wearing condition, but don't fit my bodyshape/life pace/preference etc. I will always have those memories with or without them. And if I'm willing to let go of them then I'm allowing for greater moments to find me.

And what is especially gratifying to know is that if you find a new owner for them you are sharing the joy with them. Think about how much great moments that person is going to have in that item.

So goodbye old friends. We had good times together. But now it's time for you to find a new owner to make happy. 

The story behind "A surprise visitor"

My dear friend and fellow blogger Eve at Stop everything you are doing and be AWESOME thought it would be fun to participate in the making of each other's blogs.

As guest bloggers.

Today is her birthday and I wanted to meet my obligations on this very day.

So if you're interested you can check out her blog to see what I wrote.

Or you can click on the image below. Shortcut!

What inspires me right now?

Do you know the feeling, when you should be working, but you can do everything besides that?

This is one of those examples right here.

Man Ray photography

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
`’Tis some visitor,’ I muttered, `tapping at my chamber door -
Only this, and nothing more.’

Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December,
And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.
Eagerly I wished the morrow; – vainly I had sought to borrow
From my books surcease of sorrow – sorrow for the lost Lenore -
For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels named Lenore -
Nameless here for evermore.

And the silken sad uncertain rustling of each purple curtain
Thrilled me – filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;
So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating
`’Tis some visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door -
Some late visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door; -
This it is, and nothing more,’

Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
`Sir,’ said I, `or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;
But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping,
And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door,
That I scarce was sure I heard you’ – here I opened wide the door; -
Darkness there, and nothing more.

Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before;
But the silence was unbroken, and the darkness gave no token,
And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, `Lenore!’
This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word, `Lenore!’
Merely this and nothing more.

Back into the chamber turning, all my soul within me burning,
Soon again I heard a tapping somewhat louder than before.
`Surely,’ said I, `surely that is something at my window lattice;
Let me see then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore -
Let my heart be still a moment and this mystery explore; -
‘Tis the wind and nothing more!’

Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter,
In there stepped a stately raven of the saintly days of yore.
Not the least obeisance made he; not a minute stopped or stayed he;
But, with mien of lord or lady, perched above my chamber door -
Perched upon a bust of Pallas just above my chamber door -
Perched, and sat, and nothing more.

Then this ebony bird beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance it wore,
`Though thy crest be shorn and shaven, thou,’ I said, `art sure no craven.
Ghastly grim and ancient raven wandering from the nightly shore -
Tell me what thy lordly name is on the Night’s Plutonian shore!’
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.’

Much I marvelled this ungainly fowl to hear discourse so plainly,
Though its answer little meaning – little relevancy bore;
For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being
Ever yet was blessed with seeing bird above his chamber door -
Bird or beast above the sculptured bust above his chamber door,
With such name as `Nevermore.’

Film noire stills

Rain and fog 

And for no reason dramatic standing scenes, right?

But the raven, sitting lonely on the placid bust, spoke only,
That one word, as if his soul in that one word he did outpour.
Nothing further then he uttered – not a feather then he fluttered -
Till I scarcely more than muttered `Other friends have flown before -
On the morrow he will leave me, as my hopes have flown before.’
Then the bird said, `Nevermore.’

Startled at the stillness broken by reply so aptly spoken,
`Doubtless,’ said I, `what it utters is its only stock and store,
Caught from some unhappy master whom unmerciful disaster
Followed fast and followed faster till his songs one burden bore -
Till the dirges of his hope that melancholy burden bore
Of “Never-nevermore.”‘

But the raven still beguiling all my sad soul into smiling,
Straight I wheeled a cushioned seat in front of bird and bust and door;
Then, upon the velvet sinking, I betook myself to linking
Fancy unto fancy, thinking what this ominous bird of yore -
What this grim, ungainly, ghastly, gaunt, and ominous bird of yore
Meant in croaking `Nevermore.’

This I sat engaged in guessing, but no syllable expressing
To the fowl whose fiery eyes now burned into my bosom’s core;
This and more I sat divining, with my head at ease reclining
On the cushion’s velvet lining that the lamp-light gloated o’er,
But whose velvet violet lining with the lamp-light gloating o’er,
She shall press, ah, nevermore!

Then, methought, the air grew denser, perfumed from an unseen censer
Swung by Seraphim whose foot-falls tinkled on the tufted floor.
`Wretch,’ I cried, `thy God hath lent thee – by these angels he has sent thee
Respite – respite and nepenthe from thy memories of Lenore!
Quaff, oh quaff this kind nepenthe, and forget this lost Lenore!’
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.’

Prophet!’ said I, `thing of evil! – prophet still, if bird or devil! -
Whether tempter sent, or whether tempest tossed thee here ashore,
Desolate yet all undaunted, on this desert land enchanted -
On this home by horror haunted – tell me truly, I implore -
Is there - is there balm in Gilead? – tell me – tell me, I implore!’
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.’

`Prophet!’ said I, `thing of evil! – prophet still, if bird or devil!
By that Heaven that bends above us – by that God we both adore -
Tell this soul with sorrow laden if, within the distant Aidenn,
It shall clasp a sainted maiden whom the angels named Lenore -
Clasp a rare and radiant maiden, whom the angels named Lenore?’
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.’

`Be that word our sign of parting, bird or fiend!’ I shrieked upstarting -
`Get thee back into the tempest and the Night’s Plutonian shore!
Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken!
Leave my loneliness unbroken! – quit the bust above my door!
Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!’
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.’

And the raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door;
And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon’s that is dreaming,
And the lamp-light o’er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor;
And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor
Shall be lifted – nevermore!

Poem "The raven" by Edgar Allan Poe

Vulnerability hangover

Do you remember this post? Then do you remember Brene Brown, who is now apparently called Vulnerability TED? Well, in march she stepped onto the TED stage once more to share her life after the first talk and more about her research. 

I honestly can't remember the last time I felt so vulnerable as I do now in this particular phase in my life. 

As Brene said in her talk that we often perceive vulnerability as weakness. So did I. Practically since the beginning of my teenage years. I was very much a people-person before that. And at some point I let people around me get to me. People that actually should have meant close to nothing to me. But back then I didn't know how to make a difference between the important people and less. I needed people around me. I took them all equal as the naive little girl I was. But learning how to separate people is a part of growing up and it seemed like I didn't want to let go of my childhood habits. I wanted to get along with everyone and without having based my relationships on judgments like it usually is between kids. Or it was when I was growing up. 

And so while I was looking at the world with blue eyes my mates grew up. 

Then suddenly everything was circling around judgments. One one's physical appearance, home, thoughts, creations, etc. And this change hit me so hard, because I wasn't like that at all. 

Expressing feelings and expecting the same from others got a setback. It wasn't no longer "cool" and so no one was like that. 

Whatever one says, you still need and search for approval, especially in the teenage years, because your agemates now seem like the most important people in your life.

And so as a result of those 3 impulses- the setbacks in needing connection, the negative comments towards me from others and the somewhat need to fit in to stop feeling different- I closed myself and learned to live more in the inside. In my own existence. In my own mind. In my own world. Well, when you can't beat em and you can't join em, detach yourself from em. And I did and it felt safe and secure. 

Year after year I built the wall around me more and more thick. And I buried my personal thoughts inside. As good as it felt at times, it was hell as well.
And I also buried my shame. Shame that came from actually needing people and shame from being different. Back then and even now at times I can't put my finger on what actually was different about me. It was something I felt without a certain reason, which made me confused even more. 

My teenage years passed and I came across people, with whom I found a similar language and we had lovely deep discussions, but somehow I still found it difficult to open myself up to them fully and unconditionally. I was behind the door of vulnerability and I couldn't walk in. The shame I felt for myself was still haunting me.
Coming back to perceiving vulnerability as weakness. I decided early that I'm never going to be less than strong. "I can take care of myself. I don't need people around me for emotional support. I can do this. I'm strong." blablabla. I pushed myself to the extreme with this one. And I was so wrong. 

February 18th changed it. I met up with and old friend.

My dear, if you are reading this, I can't describe in words how much you've done for me with just forcing some of my deepest feelings that have been bothering me for years and that no one knew I had out into the sunlight. Well, maybe it would be more appropriate to say out into the moonlight as it was night. Oh never mind. 

It's not like it's "Here I am, world. Totally bare in front of you!". No. But I'm trying to get used to the life behind the vulnerability door. Of course, sometimes I feel the need to leave the door a bit open behind me. Sometimes I regret saying something very personal and if I only could I would take it back and I leave that room in a hurry and shut the door. The same thing with shame. Hey, we all have good days and we all have bad days. But this time I won't close the door for good.

I wanted to write something to accompany the video. I didn't expect this to happen. 
I remember a post I made about writing letters to the past and the future you (or me).
And that for me was so peculiar, because I would have never expected to be so open and honest. To me it was too much. But as I started this blog to share my thoughts also, then one would think that it was something accurate to do then. And this post also. 
I wanted to share my story behind what Brene was saying in these two talks and to prove that it's ok to share your soft spots, to need people, to be who you are and it's ok bare some flesh to the world. Note: not implying the actual flesh here people. Are you still following me? But more like sharing your soul as it sometimes can be the most gratifying thing one can imagine.