What inspires me right now?

Do you know the feeling, when you should be working, but you can do everything besides that?

This is one of those examples right here.

Man Ray photography

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
`’Tis some visitor,’ I muttered, `tapping at my chamber door -
Only this, and nothing more.’

Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December,
And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.
Eagerly I wished the morrow; – vainly I had sought to borrow
From my books surcease of sorrow – sorrow for the lost Lenore -
For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels named Lenore -
Nameless here for evermore.

And the silken sad uncertain rustling of each purple curtain
Thrilled me – filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;
So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating
`’Tis some visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door -
Some late visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door; -
This it is, and nothing more,’

Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
`Sir,’ said I, `or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;
But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping,
And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door,
That I scarce was sure I heard you’ – here I opened wide the door; -
Darkness there, and nothing more.

Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before;
But the silence was unbroken, and the darkness gave no token,
And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, `Lenore!’
This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word, `Lenore!’
Merely this and nothing more.

Back into the chamber turning, all my soul within me burning,
Soon again I heard a tapping somewhat louder than before.
`Surely,’ said I, `surely that is something at my window lattice;
Let me see then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore -
Let my heart be still a moment and this mystery explore; -
‘Tis the wind and nothing more!’

Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter,
In there stepped a stately raven of the saintly days of yore.
Not the least obeisance made he; not a minute stopped or stayed he;
But, with mien of lord or lady, perched above my chamber door -
Perched upon a bust of Pallas just above my chamber door -
Perched, and sat, and nothing more.

Then this ebony bird beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance it wore,
`Though thy crest be shorn and shaven, thou,’ I said, `art sure no craven.
Ghastly grim and ancient raven wandering from the nightly shore -
Tell me what thy lordly name is on the Night’s Plutonian shore!’
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.’

Much I marvelled this ungainly fowl to hear discourse so plainly,
Though its answer little meaning – little relevancy bore;
For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being
Ever yet was blessed with seeing bird above his chamber door -
Bird or beast above the sculptured bust above his chamber door,
With such name as `Nevermore.’

Film noire stills

Rain and fog 

And for no reason dramatic standing scenes, right?

But the raven, sitting lonely on the placid bust, spoke only,
That one word, as if his soul in that one word he did outpour.
Nothing further then he uttered – not a feather then he fluttered -
Till I scarcely more than muttered `Other friends have flown before -
On the morrow he will leave me, as my hopes have flown before.’
Then the bird said, `Nevermore.’

Startled at the stillness broken by reply so aptly spoken,
`Doubtless,’ said I, `what it utters is its only stock and store,
Caught from some unhappy master whom unmerciful disaster
Followed fast and followed faster till his songs one burden bore -
Till the dirges of his hope that melancholy burden bore
Of “Never-nevermore.”‘

But the raven still beguiling all my sad soul into smiling,
Straight I wheeled a cushioned seat in front of bird and bust and door;
Then, upon the velvet sinking, I betook myself to linking
Fancy unto fancy, thinking what this ominous bird of yore -
What this grim, ungainly, ghastly, gaunt, and ominous bird of yore
Meant in croaking `Nevermore.’

This I sat engaged in guessing, but no syllable expressing
To the fowl whose fiery eyes now burned into my bosom’s core;
This and more I sat divining, with my head at ease reclining
On the cushion’s velvet lining that the lamp-light gloated o’er,
But whose velvet violet lining with the lamp-light gloating o’er,
She shall press, ah, nevermore!

Then, methought, the air grew denser, perfumed from an unseen censer
Swung by Seraphim whose foot-falls tinkled on the tufted floor.
`Wretch,’ I cried, `thy God hath lent thee – by these angels he has sent thee
Respite – respite and nepenthe from thy memories of Lenore!
Quaff, oh quaff this kind nepenthe, and forget this lost Lenore!’
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.’

Prophet!’ said I, `thing of evil! – prophet still, if bird or devil! -
Whether tempter sent, or whether tempest tossed thee here ashore,
Desolate yet all undaunted, on this desert land enchanted -
On this home by horror haunted – tell me truly, I implore -
Is there - is there balm in Gilead? – tell me – tell me, I implore!’
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.’

`Prophet!’ said I, `thing of evil! – prophet still, if bird or devil!
By that Heaven that bends above us – by that God we both adore -
Tell this soul with sorrow laden if, within the distant Aidenn,
It shall clasp a sainted maiden whom the angels named Lenore -
Clasp a rare and radiant maiden, whom the angels named Lenore?’
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.’

`Be that word our sign of parting, bird or fiend!’ I shrieked upstarting -
`Get thee back into the tempest and the Night’s Plutonian shore!
Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken!
Leave my loneliness unbroken! – quit the bust above my door!
Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!’
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.’

And the raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door;
And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon’s that is dreaming,
And the lamp-light o’er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor;
And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor
Shall be lifted – nevermore!

Poem "The raven" by Edgar Allan Poe

Vulnerability hangover

Do you remember this post? Then do you remember Brene Brown, who is now apparently called Vulnerability TED? Well, in march she stepped onto the TED stage once more to share her life after the first talk and more about her research. 

I honestly can't remember the last time I felt so vulnerable as I do now in this particular phase in my life. 

As Brene said in her talk that we often perceive vulnerability as weakness. So did I. Practically since the beginning of my teenage years. I was very much a people-person before that. And at some point I let people around me get to me. People that actually should have meant close to nothing to me. But back then I didn't know how to make a difference between the important people and less. I needed people around me. I took them all equal as the naive little girl I was. But learning how to separate people is a part of growing up and it seemed like I didn't want to let go of my childhood habits. I wanted to get along with everyone and without having based my relationships on judgments like it usually is between kids. Or it was when I was growing up. 

And so while I was looking at the world with blue eyes my mates grew up. 

Then suddenly everything was circling around judgments. One one's physical appearance, home, thoughts, creations, etc. And this change hit me so hard, because I wasn't like that at all. 

Expressing feelings and expecting the same from others got a setback. It wasn't no longer "cool" and so no one was like that. 

Whatever one says, you still need and search for approval, especially in the teenage years, because your agemates now seem like the most important people in your life.

And so as a result of those 3 impulses- the setbacks in needing connection, the negative comments towards me from others and the somewhat need to fit in to stop feeling different- I closed myself and learned to live more in the inside. In my own existence. In my own mind. In my own world. Well, when you can't beat em and you can't join em, detach yourself from em. And I did and it felt safe and secure. 

Year after year I built the wall around me more and more thick. And I buried my personal thoughts inside. As good as it felt at times, it was hell as well.
And I also buried my shame. Shame that came from actually needing people and shame from being different. Back then and even now at times I can't put my finger on what actually was different about me. It was something I felt without a certain reason, which made me confused even more. 

My teenage years passed and I came across people, with whom I found a similar language and we had lovely deep discussions, but somehow I still found it difficult to open myself up to them fully and unconditionally. I was behind the door of vulnerability and I couldn't walk in. The shame I felt for myself was still haunting me.
Coming back to perceiving vulnerability as weakness. I decided early that I'm never going to be less than strong. "I can take care of myself. I don't need people around me for emotional support. I can do this. I'm strong." blablabla. I pushed myself to the extreme with this one. And I was so wrong. 

February 18th changed it. I met up with and old friend.

My dear, if you are reading this, I can't describe in words how much you've done for me with just forcing some of my deepest feelings that have been bothering me for years and that no one knew I had out into the sunlight. Well, maybe it would be more appropriate to say out into the moonlight as it was night. Oh never mind. 

It's not like it's "Here I am, world. Totally bare in front of you!". No. But I'm trying to get used to the life behind the vulnerability door. Of course, sometimes I feel the need to leave the door a bit open behind me. Sometimes I regret saying something very personal and if I only could I would take it back and I leave that room in a hurry and shut the door. The same thing with shame. Hey, we all have good days and we all have bad days. But this time I won't close the door for good.

I wanted to write something to accompany the video. I didn't expect this to happen. 
I remember a post I made about writing letters to the past and the future you (or me).
And that for me was so peculiar, because I would have never expected to be so open and honest. To me it was too much. But as I started this blog to share my thoughts also, then one would think that it was something accurate to do then. And this post also. 
I wanted to share my story behind what Brene was saying in these two talks and to prove that it's ok to share your soft spots, to need people, to be who you are and it's ok bare some flesh to the world. Note: not implying the actual flesh here people. Are you still following me? But more like sharing your soul as it sometimes can be the most gratifying thing one can imagine. 

Reet Aus - From Trash to Design

To know more about the topic here's a link to her doctoral thesis
http://reetaus.com/phd

What I feel like wearing right now

A 50s full skirt

A white buttoned-up with rolled up sleeves

Matching shoes and tights

Shourouk Rhaiem's gorgeous necklace 

To make a more festive night

Berry lipstick

To top everything up

The Essentials

This post comes from a place of deep frustration.

Frustration wardrobe wisely.

I've been pursuing the search for the perfect white buttoned-up shirt since winter, because my last one sadly is no longer among us due to old age. 

And the search has left me empty-handed every time I exit a store. 

This has left me puzzled: the most classical and timeless item is nowhere to be seen. 

Of course this is not entirely true. There are some examples out there, but they are merely a failed copy of the buttoned-up. 

When talking about wardrobe essentials, the first most important criteria is fit. And the funny thing is that this is the last thing retail-clothing companies pay attention to. 

One can say that "It's cheap. What else do you want?" The more effort you put into the process of design the more it will affect the final price tag. I get it. 

When you walk into a clothing store and see thoughtless design and antipeople stance, then I'm thinking "Who is going to wear this?" Of course tastes are different, but some things are so obviously suffering from PDS- Poor Design Syndrome. And it's sad, because if these items are made out of a material that is a mix of different fibers then there are not that many options to actually (re)use them. So practically the valuable resources are just...wasted. 

I'm not going further into this topic just because A I'm not that competent enough to start blaming and pointing fingers, it's just my personal opinion, B I wasn't planning to talk about that. 

So back to the main point. 

Secondly, the frustration came from the fact that with spring arriving to the Wild East my wardrobe seems to be  not satisfying enough for me. Well, it doesn't satisfy my own needs anymore. And it has driven me to the point where I'm questioning my own sense when I was buying these "strange" items. I don't consider myself an emotional buyer, so that's not the case. But I have these obsessions concerning clothes and I can close my eyes at the price, cut, size, material, color, pattern, etc, if the item has one criteria- price, cut, size, material, color, pattern, etc- so-so-so overwhelmingly (yeah, talking about being non-emotional buyer, such a hypocrite writing here) right for me. If something is an unbelievable match for me then I'm prepared to make a compromise. 

Having one of those Aha! moments right now. Who needs a therapist, when you can be one for yourself, huh? Just start a blog and write about yourself... Simple as that.

So during this Big Spring Cleaning join me and open your closet doors with the most critical look and a cool head. I don't know about you, but when I flick through my wardrobe and it's seriously not inspiring me to get dressed then I feel a bit unhappy. 

So, pack away the things for winter, sort out the pieces that leave you questioning why it's in your closet or don't fit you no more and take them to your local Recycling Center. And now you've made room for your spring favorites. And when you're at it, leave a bit room for the newcomers.

I have a tendency of writing long introductions, don't I?

So about the newcomers. If you are having the same problem as me with your wardrobe malfunction then it's time to invest in some good old essentials that are the only things I've been wearing lately and are the superstars/saviors in my eye, because as I mentioned before there are a lot of these "compromising" buys that maybe before were ok, but now they aren't goon enough for me anymore. And when it comes to essentials, you will never feel the dilemma of having nothing to wear. They frame one's wardrobe perfectly and are the best friends for combining an ensemble several times. 

I've noticed that people usually invest more in pieces that are for special occasions, which is totally ok, but when it comes to things they actually wear most often they tend to skimp. "I'm not going to spend THAT much on a simple tee!". Sounds strange, right? Maybe even a bit familiar? Hey, I've been there, too.

But, actually, when it comes to essentials, it's very much cool to invest. Quality is the second most important aspect next to fit so don't compromise on that. And because of everything I've been saying (even convinced myself) I'm going to move towards the "usual" clothing stores as I'm not thinking about giving up on the search for the perfect buttoned-up.  

In the end, because of the functionality your wardrobe will thank you, because of the quality your wallet will thank you, because of the long lifetime of the garment the planet will thank you and you can do a nice pat on your back, because you are a thinking human being. 

And actually a lot of these basic items have become iconic clothing for a certain profession or a loved celebrity. 

But what are these essential pieces I'm praising?

The Black Blazer a la Jennifer Aniston

The White Buttoned-Up Shirt a la Carolina Herrera

The Trench Coat a la Detective

The Little Black Dress a la Audrey Hepburn

The Breton Shirt a la Coco Chanel

The Plain White Tee a la James Dean

The Pencil Skirt a la Marilyn Monroe

The Fedora a la Frank Sinatra

Statement jewellery a la Elizabeth Taylor 

The Ascot Blouse a la Margaret Thatcher

Well, maybe It's just me who needs it...

Intriguing and not-just-warm sweater a la Elsa Schiaparelli

Etc.

Why we wear what we wear? Part I

Art completes what nature leaves unfinished.

One way to interpret this thought is by seeing a human being behind nature's unfinished creation. We are all born into this world as prototypes: similar to each-other and semi-finished. Art around us will start to model us according to how we response to changes. Fashion, overall fashion without any specifications about what can be perceived as art in fashion and what not, is a form of art.
Tom Ford once said: "That's the whole point of dressing up, you feel better about yourself. It's an enchanted version of who you are".
We all do it! We hide our flaws. We hide our insecurities. We bring out the sides we like most about ourselves. We manipulate, with ourselves or with others.

You wear. You feel. You are.

You are. You feel. You wear.

I have always found it extremely fascinating how one chooses between countless numbers of items and combines them. Dressing up is really a form of art, coming back to the "art" part.
Communicating with the world without words, offering aesthetic pleasure, making the world think, inspiring.
Our choices reflect out thoughts, our mood, our dreams, our hope, our plans. They reflect us.
I think, actually I'm positive you have also tried to figure out who is the newcomer on the first encounter or the stranger passing us by in the street. What is their story?
All the previous fancy cliche sentences belong under the wings of one giant question: "Why we wear what we wear?"
Seriously, why do you wear what you wear? Do you know? Can you explain it in words?
Yes, one way to expound this question is to think about the personal motives behind our wardrobe. The second one is to think about the universal motives. That includes: why we are given these specific opportunities in the stores? why designers create these specific opportunities for us? who/what inspired them to create? why we wear certain clothes to certain situations?, etc.
I am beginning the hunt to find out the answers to these questions and many more. And since this is like an introduction to the whole series of post I thought I would start by answering the personal question about myself and because I had to do this presentation at university already I figured I'd follow the shortest road.
In advance, I wouldn't say that I have the most interesting wardrobe of unique pieces. And also a big wardrobe. I'm quite the simple gal with a simple closet. You know, keep it simple. And so I didn't really photograph anything. Only the similar colors together to defend myself by stating previously how "simple" it is.

Let's see what the statistics say, shall we?

I like me some black. Color that is.
It's like that, you open my closet and see nothing but black at a first glance. And when the eye has become used to the darkness a couple of colorful things start to pop out.
I know that too much of black in one outfit is too much for my type (a summer with winter influences, at least that was what the teacher told me, I would never have considered myself as a summer type), but I feel comfortable in it.
I love how Ann Demeulemeester, who herself uses a lot of black while designing, said: "Black is not sad. Bright colors are what depresses me. They're so empty. Black is poetic. How do you imagine a poet? In a bright yellow jacket? Probably not..."
I don't share the extreme opinion concerning bright colors, I don't mind them, but I totally agree with her about black. There is something special about it. If you think about why we see black material as black, then physics explain that black swallows all the colorful lights and doesn't reflect anything to the eye back. Hence, there is a lot of energy and light in black. I feel it extremely well when wearing only black. There is something undescribable about wearing it head to toe. But it can be compared to that moment in, for example, movies when the superhero puts on his costume for the first time and this large quantity of energy runs through his veins like lightning.  Have you felt it?
Then there are black and white items and white items. Overall, black and white forms over 60% of my closet. I can't help that my eyes first notice black and white in stores. I don't do it intentionally. Just the other day I was looking through the clothes in Humana (happy hour, ding-ding-ding, 1,50 euro). Second-hand shops and flee markets are the only places where I don't look for b&W (unconsciously that is). The more interesting color or print the more attention it will get from me, especially when I'm just passing by and running my eyes quickly through the items. And my last Humana visit concluded with two blck things: a skirt and a dress. And they both were from sheer fabric. I can't explain it in any other way than faith. I wasn't searching for these two pieces, they were searching me. And that's how we met.
By the way, the colorful colors are also a little dusty than clear and bright and in your face. That's the only way I can digest them. And colorful prints are a rare species in my closet. They are extremely loud at times.
So, the second diagram shows different items and how they are divided. It's quite logical that I have blouses the most. We change blouses most often. Although, I prefer pants, because they are most comfortable and practical routinely, I somehow have managed to collect a lot of skirts and dresses. If I didn't have to make this presentation at school I certainly would not know about this. And I kinda even miss them. If only we didn't have Siberia outside here. Actually it's getting a little warmer, so I'm hoping a get-together with them soon. These different jackets and vests have in my wardrobe and in life a very special place. I swear, on a bad day I feel as if I'm naked without a good pair of shoulder pads. A jacket gives this kind of a secure feeling, adding a gram of confidence that would be otherwise missing. If I know that I have something really important awaiting me (e.g a public performance) and I know I'm going to be nervous about it, I will most certainly wear a jacket or a vest to it. Without it I feel too...fragile . I'm manipulating with my own feelings and insecurities with a jacket.
The third diagram shows how old most of my clothes are. By "new" I mean items I bought form a shopping center, without taking into consideration how long ago I bought it. And "old" refers to items that are bought from a second-hand store, a flea market or items I fished from my mother or grandmother that are older than me. The secret to a successful "fishing trip" is to be consistent, make as much as you can positive-til-they-become-annoying comments about the item and to not give up! Although, I have less older clothes than new ones the older ones are my most exciting (for me exciting! Don't remember why? Read once more carefully from the beginning)  and most treasured items of which I luckily am the owner. A piece of clothing that already had a life before you found it is thrilling. I once bought a green jacket from a well know Estonian singer Reet Linna and she told me that this jacket had been to Canada. What? I don't travel as much as I would like to and I have never made it out of Europe, but my jacket has been in Canada. Wow! And I often dream about the story of a fedora I came across by chance and thanks to a very good friend of mine. That hat is from the Soviet Times and I bet it has seen much more than I have in my life.

Contrasts    Romantic    Military    Minimal 

          Equestrian sport       Balance   Characters                   

The previous were a few keywords that I consciously or unconsciously keep in mind. My main philosophy when dressing is that I don't dress according to who I am or what I feel, but according to who I would like to be and how I would like to feel. This can be expressed best as contrasts- one half is who I really am (but I can't/don't suppress it) and the other who I actually would like to be. For example, feminine and masculine that I play with the most. Surprise right? Feminine for me representing delicateness and masculine strength.

Fashion is great, because it allows to live several different lives in one lifetime. If you have the chance to play a new character with a new story, why not take it. I find pirates, musketeers, Louis XIII, Pierrot, pianists, detectives truly inspiring.

But let the truth come out. I don't usually dress always like that. Especially if I have to make my clothes decisions in the morning for school, especially if it's cold as you know what. The most usual picks are among cotton items that are comfy and soft to the skin (and kind of gives the impression of still laying in bed and who hasn't still  mastered the art of sleeping with their eyes open during high-school?).

When talking about personal style, I can't define mine jet. I believe that before one can define their style one has to know thyself. It's an art. And I'm too young and restless to dedicate myself to some "word". But I'm old enough to know which direction I'm moving towards and you know what? By George, I think I've got it!
For now I've made up my own quite generic "words" that I can use describing my personal style without surrounding myself with boundaries about what I consider "this is soooo me" and "this is soo not me". Although, I have to admit, there are already several things that I can refer to using these expressions.
Logical                     Concrete
Logical in the meaning that using overall common knowledge and your own personal when deciding for a garment. E.g dark brown doesn't like grey (some men still don't get it) and underwear is the very first layer of clothing and then comes light wear and then overalls (simple and reasonable!). Concrete in the meaning that a blouse is a blouse, it has to cover certain parts to be called a piece of clothing; pants are pants, no, tights are not pants; a skirt is a skirt not a belt. Every item has to serve it's function or else why even make the effort of putting it on. And I think these two keywords are so universal that a lot of people can agree with me on these ones.

So this was a part of me. In very short small words and a really long post.
And this was par one of a series of post I'm planning to do in the future (the near the better).
I'd love to hear about your closet and why do you think you wear what you wear.