Self acceptance

The only thing beautiful about body issues and low self-esteem is that it's a shared thing.

I mean, we all have or had at one point in our lives the moments when we just don't feel enough. We see flaws in our appearance as well as in the depths of our identity. Sometimes we just don't know how to deal with ourselves. And even in moments of brief peace all it takes is wrong lighting in front of a mirror, a comment from someone dear, who just feels too comfortable with us, or even a comment from a stranger passing by, also from children, a pair of jeans, which should be your size, but somehow just don't fit, or a bad hair-day, even an uncomfortable outfit to chatter our image once again into pieces. Because that just confirms your earlier thoughts. "I knew it, it actually is that way."

Beauty has been such a great factor in how we communicate with the world and with ourselves. It's scientific, we gravitate naturally towards people with symmetrical perfect faces. But if you put a mirror right on the symmetry axis of your body and ask a friend to look at you from the side then there's a significant chance that they won't recognize you. There's nothing wrong with aspire towards perfection. If we understand where our limits are. 

But with our body image it's one thing. There are measures out there to kindly take advantage of. I'm not pro or against plastic surgery, for example. If it's what you feel the need for then, by all means, just go for it if you have the resources. But when taken too far it can blur the lines between the real and fake. 

I've had body issues since teenage years. All of a sudden my hormones had, what it felt like, constant raves in my body. All of which lead to a weight gain. And how this chubby little girl saw the world was that you won't be accepted by your companions if you're don't fall into the category of a standard beauty. I had friends that did fall into that. Friends who had prettier hair, longer legs, straighter nose, rocking eyes, slimmer body, etc. And they seemed to be living the "beautiful people lives". Back then it meant socializing and experiencing life to the fullest a teenager can experience. So certainly I made my presumptions based on what surrounded me. The glossy pages of magazines and interest in fashion did not help with that, but made it contrarily worse. Everything falling together I became ashamed of how I looked like. 

More towards the end of my teenage years I began to outgrow the weight gain, but didn't notice at that time. Never actually looked at the image staring me back in the mirror and seeing the reality, but an image I had of myself in the back of my mind. 

Now as I'm moving closer to my 21 years of existence I do feel like I have made remarkable steps towards peace with myself. I used to dislike my green eyes, because they were neither blue nor brown, but right in the middle. I did not like my ears, which are situated more to the outside of my head than I would have liked, because all my girlfriends were wearing circlets on their heads during summer days and I couldn't as I couldn't stop picturing myself as Dumbo. I hated my wider hips, bum and thighs and my rather - let's say-  soft belly. I had constant problems with acne. Problems with skin all together thanks to keratosis pillaris Friendly hint: don't Google it, there is some shocking image online. I was told at 13 that I had gray roots, which in fact was my natural hair color (it began to grow as what seemed gray). I'm very conscious about my  bust, which is most affected by my periodic weight gain-loss. As a woman I am "blessed" with stretch marks and cellulite. We can stop here. 
Never in my life have I been so "big" as I am today, but I feel okay with that. And instead of finding things to criticize about myself I'm turning my energy towards finding the things I'm proud of.Actually, I think now my ears are one of the most beautiful part of me and as a sign of peace I decided to make a third piercing right next to a lump that sets apart my right ear from the left, right next to a sign that shows how different my ears are form one another. I love my green eyes just because the are different and the fact that they are more of a mesh of different colors makes them the most representative thing about myself, because I am a mesh of personalities. I embrace my curves, even my badonkadonk, which makes my life hell, because no jean will actually fit me well. I do like my thin wrists and  visible collar-bones.  I like that I got freckles from my mother. I like my nail shape. I like the two birthmarks close together above my upper lip and on my right ear. I like my rather hollow back, it makes me feel more feminine. I know who I'm not and who I can't strive towards. Most of the days. More than ever. 

Was that something weird to say? Moreover, was that something weird to read? We're all used to thinking, hearing and reading about complaints. And whenever someone says something good about themselves we see it as cockiness. Or as in "good for you" with a side of sarcasm. Why do we do that? Why can't we let others be happy with what they have? Why can't we be happy with what we have? 

I have thought a lot about what triggered the changes in the way I see myself. I think there's definitely an amount of getting older and wiser about the range of power of change. In addition, there's a fair amount of positive relationships with the people around you. There's plenty of quotes out there that forward a message like change happens within and you can't love another before you love yourself and such. I do agree that the change happens within, but the triggers may be from the outside. You know, like your friends telling you how talented and gifted you are at something or your significant other hinting how mad and wild your body makes them. Maybe it all happens silently. Maybe it's someone close, who makes it work on a day-to-day basis with the flaws they have until you don't even think that they have any. 

No matter what form or shape, we all share the moments of self-doubt. But isn't it what makes us fragile, tolerant, understanding and open-minded about the world? Isn't it what makes us human?